5 Anger Styles: Learn Which One You Have and How to Manage It

Everyone gets angry – but according to experts, styles of anger vary from person to person. This means that how to deal with your anger will depend on the style of anger you demonstrate. In one of her latest Pillow Talk blogs, Dr. Anna Hushlak outlines five various types of anger and also offers insight into how you should manage it.

Dr. Hushlak maintains that passive-aggressive anger is a "non-confrontational" form of anger where individuals express their anger indirectly. "This looks like the silent treatment, the backhanded compliments, the sarcasm, the brush off. It might even show up by withholding touch, affection or sex as a form of punishment, all the while insisting that 'everything's fine,'" she explains, adding that it can be just as destructive as aggressive anger.

"Passive-aggressive anger is manipulative because it's often a form of emotional punishment and control. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, I withdraw, refuse to communicate, and create a feeling of isolation and rejection for the other person," Dr. Hushlak continues.

It also puts the person on the receiving end in a position "where they feel compelled to appease or comfort me, just to restore communication or peace in the relationship," she says. "I'm able to gain control and power in the situation, without having to address the actual problem or take responsibility for my own feelings or actions. It's also harmful because it doesn't allow for resolution or growth in my relationship," Dr. Hushlak says.

Hostile or aggressive anger is the most easily recognized, per Dr. Hushlake. "It's often loud, demanding, and explosive. It can seemingly come out of nowhere and often escalates into verbal or physical confrontations (e.g. slamming a door). It's a form of anger that seeks to dominate and control. It's a sudden, intense reaction that can be scary for both the person experiencing it and those around them," she says. It could look like lashing out at a partner, yelling at them for not caring or "always/never doing X."

It can also involve raising your voice, using "harsh/cutting" words, or even becoming physically aggressive. "This type of anger can be very damaging to a relationship and can often lead to feelings of fear or resentment," she says. 

Suppressive anger is the kind that is not expressed and instead kept inside and internalized. "It can lead to resentment, anxiety, and depression over time," she says. It could be considered denying or ignoring anger. "I try to trick myself by suppressing and minimizing my feelings even though they are absolutely still there," Dr. Hushlak says continues.

"Over time, I might withdraw from my partner, avoid intimacy and sex, and feel more disconnected from myself and from them. Holding anger inside also massively contributes to resentment (and even disassociation), whereby it can lead to other issues, like anxiety or depression," Dr. Hushlak says.

Dr. Hushlake maintains that projective-aggressive anger is a "tricky one to pin down" and involves a person projecting anger onto others, "often blaming them for their own feelings of anger," she says. "This can manifest in a variety of ways, such as accusing a partner of not being attracted to them or not caring about their needs, when in reality, it's their own insecurities or dissatisfaction that's causing these feelings."

An example would be someone who is unsatisfied with their sex life, blaming their partner for not satisfying them instead of actually talking to them about it. "I might accuse them of being selfish or uncaring, when in reality, I'm angry at myself for not being able to express my needs or desires. Plus, this can lead to a cycle of blame and resentment, which can further exacerbate the problem."

Assertive is "the healthy and constructive" form of anger. "It involves expressing feelings and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others. It's about standing up for oneself while also respecting others," says Hushlake. 

Dr. Hushlak maintains that for some people, anger can be chronic and/or habitual. "Anger is a way to interact with the world, often because it's what was learned growing up. It's persistent and doesn't go away easily. Understanding and managing your anger takes practice.

The first step in doing so, is accepting your anger and acknowledging what style(s) you default do," Dr. Hushlak says. She recommends identifying and understanding your anger style. "Next time you feel angry, take a step back and observe how you're expressing it (or not). See if you can start to identify your default style(s)," she says. Then ask yourself two questions: How does my anger style affect my relationships and my own well-being? What steps can I take to give myself permission to be angry and/or to express my anger more assertively?