4 False Signs of Relationship Chemistry That Mislead You

It's an all-too-common scenario: You thought the relationship was going great, then it unexpectedly tanked—even though you're older, wiser, and certain you'd never again fall for the BS of the past. Well, you're not alone. Although every relationship is unique—eye roll—Portland therapist Jeff Guenther has become a TikTok sensation for breaking down four fake signs of relationship chemistry—the false flags that you're falling for someone, when it's really not going to happen. Here they are.

In his TikTok video—which has racked up 2.6 million views—Guenther says the false indication of chemistry is physical attraction, which he acknowledged was a "curveball." 

"You might think that finding someone super hot is real chemistry," he said. "Physical attraction can sometimes be so strong that it feels like there's more going on beneath the surface when there's actually not."  To have true chemistry, Guenther notes the old truism really is true: You need to be both physically and emotionally connected. 

Guenther said the second sign things won't end well is if your interaction is based on "the thrill of the forbidden." 

"Hooking up with someone you should not be with is so taboo, and it's so alluring," he said. "'This might feel like chemistry, but it's often more about the excitement of doing something outside the norm or going against what's expected. This kind of 'chemistry' can disappear once the forbidden act is removed."  As Grandma used to say about dating someone who's stepping out on their committed relationship: "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

The open discussion of past trauma and discussions of how to heal are positive developments in our culture. But they shouldn't be confused for the foundation of a relationship—shared attraction—says Guenther.  "The intense feelings of connection that can develop when two people have experienced similar traumatic experiences can feel a lot like chemistry, but it's important to distinguish between shared empathy and genuine romantic chemistry," he says. 

Guenther said you and the coffee-bar barista who always remembers your order don't have chemistry—it's just "good customer service." It's a situation "which I have fallen for more times than I would like to admit," he confesses.