15 Things Men Over 40 Should Never Say, As New Book About Toxicity Released

In a world where social dynamics are constantly evolving, examining the words we choose and their impact is crucial. The brand new Hollywood exposé Burn It Down by Maureen Ryan proves this to be true. It delves into the behind-the-scenes toxicity and bias prevalent in the entertainment industry—on the sets of shows like Lost and Sleep Hollow—as Ryan unveils previously untold stories of misconduct and bias. The book serves as a reminder that language is not static, and cultural sensitivity demands an ongoing commitment to growth and awareness.

For men over 40 in particular, cringe-worthy things can be toxic, demeaning, and just wrong. We talked to several therapists and life coaches who explained what phrases should never be uttered by men of a certain age and why. Read on.

Many women don't like it when someone they don't know calls them by anything other than their name Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Fragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough tells us. "Men over 40 should never refer to a woman above 18 as a 'girl' or refer to a female stranger, colleague or service employee as honey, sweety or any other term of causal endearment."

He explains, "To do so is to insult a woman's status in the world as a smart, capable, hardworking human being. The use of these terms also makes the man also look like a narcissistic and foolish old man, detached from the realities of life in the 21st century."

Another big no-no is telling others they're a dirty old man. Dr. Paul Hokemeyer says, "Men over 40 should never refer to themselves as a 'dirty old man.' This is of elevated importance in our culture of division, where our world is being forced into factions of 'us' and 'them', based on a host of labels grounded in gender, political, religious, racial, and economic differences. It also sexualizes both women and men by reducing them to their genitals rather than honoring their holistic identity as multifaceted and dynamic human beings."

The idea that real men don't cry is rooted in toxic masculinity, and while it was once adopted as a popular belief, we have started to move away from that notion. However, many men still have a hard time accepting they have permission to be vulnerable. Truly learning to open up when most men have never had a male figure model healthy emotions, or when being vulnerable can still be so rare among even the best of male friends, is not an easy feat," Kim Bielak, Associate Marriage & Family Therapist says.

"Yet I often see this very difficulty with real intimacy and vulnerability become the cause of most male client's failing marriages, challenging relationships with aging parents or kids, or even a lack of reliable friendship and community in midlife." She adds, "The thing is, allowing yourself to become more vulnerable can actually prove to be one of the most rewarding things you can do in the emergent acts of your life. As life ripens, things tend to touch your heart more. Loss becomes more ubiquitous, and things start to mean more." 

Everyone feels like they're stuck in their circumstances from time to time, but Jennifer Krause, a Missouri Licensed Professional Counselor, tells us that mindset is unhealthy and that men over 40 should always stay curious. "Familiarity can create a sense of stability that can also cause men over the age of 40 to feel complacent or stuck," she explains.

"When we feel stuck, we tend to focus our attention on what we know and not on what we don't. So, to all those fellas over 40, the anecdote to complacency is curiosity. Start to become curious about yourself, the world, and the future, and watch the new possibilities emerge!"

We can all be negative at times, but saying that your best days are behind you is defeating Daniel Rinaldi, therapist, life coach, and founder of Live Your F'N Life says. "This is something men shouldn't say because who is to say that it is even true! Our best days can happen at any given time no matter your age. By saying this, you are already defeating yourself and what you still have to offer the world. If you believe your best days are behind, you are almost solidifying that they are. The trick is to keep a positive mindset and be present and intentional with each day. Challenge yourself each day to prove that statement wrong."

There's always been the idea that men have to suppress their emotions instead of expressing them. Many men have been taught to bury their feelings, but Michelle Giordano, MS, Community Outreach Advocate with Live Another Day, explains why that's so unhealthy. "The idea that "real men don't show emotions" feeds negative gender stereotypes and may prevent men from expressing their feelings. Because emotional intelligence and vulnerability foster greater relationships and general wellbeing, it's crucial for men to recognize and express their emotions in healthy ways."

People can get stuck in their ways and mindset, but that limits growth and opportunities. Giordano says that the statement "I can't change who I am" "reveals a rigid mindset that prevents improvement and personal growth. Men over 40 have the ability to adapt, change, and acquire new abilities and traits. Increased life happiness and contentment can result from embracing personal improvement and striving to be the greatest version of oneself."

It's really never too late to meet "the one," and everyone finds their partner at different times in life, so giving up really isn't the answer, according to Giordano. "This notion restricts the options for a romantic relationship and a friend. Men of any age should be able to find love and companionship. To maximize the likelihood of making significant connections, it's critical to keep a good mindset, be open to new interactions, and partake in social activities that are consistent with personal interests."

Self-care has many benefits, like living longer, increased productivity, boosting self-esteem, maintaining healthy relationships, and becoming better equipped to manage stress. Yet, many people still don't take the time.

Giordano says, "The excuse that "I'm just too busy for self-care" can result in burnout, increased stress, and a deterioration in general well-being. Men over 40 should place a higher priority on self-care activities like physical activity, enough sleep, hobbies, and supportive relationships. Making time for oneself promotes physical and mental wellness, which has a positive impact on all facets of life."

Going to therapy can be part of self-care and is a healthy way to help process trauma, work through a rough patch with a partner, or work on yourself. "Men have been socially conditioned and taught to equate therapy with weakness when, in reality, therapy takes an incredible amount of strength," Allie Kidd, LISW-S, LCSW, EMDR Trained Therapist, tells us.

"It is a challenge to be in therapy and continue to look inside and reflect on where some of the beliefs you hold came from (childhood? parents? specific events?) and then work on changing them. This isn't easy, and it can also be the pivotal difference between remaining stagnant and improving how you feel and interact in the world." 

There are negative stereotypes about every generation, but saying the younger generations have it easier than we did is very damaging, according to Olivia Howell, CEO of Fresh Starts Registry, author of Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say. "As a Support Expert, my job is to bridge the gap between people who need support and people who want to support their community. When we divide our community by age and draw lines in the sand about age brackets and who had it worse or easier, it simply divides the community – and makes it harder to support those in our community who need it."

Howell adds, "A man over 40 should respect people of all ages, and understand that every generation has its concerns – they may be different from his, when he was "that age," but, everyone is going through something. It's really important for people of all ages, including men over 40, to understand that everyone is carrying heavy life stuff on their shoulders."

It's true that as we age, our metabolism slows down and hormones change, which can make losing weight a challenge for some people. However, that doesn't mean it's impossible. "Saying that it's too hard to lose weight after 40 is a self-defeating attitude that can lead to poor health outcomes and lower self-esteem," Dr. Ketan Parmar, a Psychiatrist and mental health expert at ClinicSpots tells us.

"Instead of giving up on their fitness goals, men over 40 should adopt a realistic and sustainable plan that includes healthy eating, regular exercise, and stress management." 

Dr. Parmar explains, "Some men may use this phrase to mock or insult something or someone that they perceive as weak, feminine, or different. They may think that it is harmless or funny to use gay as a derogatory term. However, saying that something is gay is a homophobic and offensive remark that shows ignorance and intolerance. It implies that being gay is wrong or inferior or that gay people are objects of ridicule or contempt. Men over 40 should respect and celebrate diversity instead of using slurs or stereotypes."

Dr. Parmar says men should never say "boys will be boys" because it can "justify or excuse their own or other men's inappropriate or harmful behavior." He adds, "They may think it is natural or inevitable for men to act aggressively, impulsively, or irresponsibly. However, saying that boys will be boys is a sexist and outdated stereotype that reinforces toxic masculinity and gender inequality. It suggests that men are not accountable for their actions or capable of change. Men over 40 should hold themselves and other men to higher standards of respect, integrity, and empathy."

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No matter what stage in life you're at, staying present, engaged, and pursuing passions is something you should continue, Dr. Parmar says. "Some men may feel they have missed out on certain opportunities or experiences in their younger years. They may think they are too old to pursue their passions, learn new skills, or try new things.

However, saying they are too old to do something is a limiting belief that can prevent them from living fulfilling and meaningful life. Age is not a barrier to growth, creativity, or adventure. Men over 40 should challenge themselves to step out of their comfort zone and explore new possibilities."