Ghosting, breadcrumbing, icing, zombie-ing … all of these toxic behaviors have done their time in the why-dating-is-terrible spotlight. But beware, people who are hypervigilant about whether their partner is giving them the right kind of attention—there's another trend to watch out for: Negging. Dating coach and TikToker Sabrina Zohar, 33, recently warned against the relationship tactic, which is used when a partner wants to "emotionally manipulate" another. These are seven signs you may be getting negged.
Negging is "when somebody gives backhanded compliments and comments and insults the other person and tries to disguise them as constructive criticism," said Zohar. It's unfortunately so widespread, the term is listed on dictionary.com. "Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person."
Because negging is disguised as "constructive criticism"—but is actually intended to diminish you—being negged can make you feel vulnerable and you question your self-worth, said Zohar. You may start to think the insults being directed toward you are true.
"People that neg usually have really low self-esteem," said Zohar. "They feel like they need to put somebody else down, so that other person is constantly trying to seek their approval and that makes them have some self-worth." People often begin negging others to make themselves feel better and boost their own egos, she explained.
"Negging can also be presented as a 'joke'," one commenter wrote on Zohar's TikTok. "Is this really a dynamic you want in your intimately bonded relationship?" "Oh yeah, and then they say 'You don't know how to take criticism!' if you refuse to let them put you down," another commenter agreed.
Zohar listed some examples of negging:
"I'm surprised you're as funny as my ex."
"You're a lot smarter than I thought you would be."
"Your best friend is in great shape. You should take some advice from her."
"You're so pretty when you have makeup on."
Commenters chimed in with negging they've experienced. "My ex used to say my sister was so pretty and if we're really related," wrote one. "Had a guy do this to me within days of us talking… and I ran as fast as I could. Going to sit there and tell me that I looked better with [photo] filters," said another.
Zohan said that if you're dating someone who's using this tactic, "run as fast as …possible." "Nothing you do is going to change them," she concluded. "It's only going to add fuel to the fire." "The widespread cultural belief that someone is treating you poorly is a sign of liking them normalizes negatives and makes it seem like that's an acceptable way to treat someone in your life," certified clinical trauma professional and licensed social worker Silvi Saxena told Women's Health. "It's a toxic [type] of behaviors that should *not* be normalized, because it's demoralizing and dehumanizing." "Any time someone is mentally manipulating another person for their own personal gain, it's one hundred percent abuse," she said.
