10 Tips to Improve Every Relationship in Your Life, According to a Celebrity Therapist

If you want to book a session with psychotherapist Philippa Perry, plan on spending hundreds of dollars an hour for her advice. However, the British expert, who recently published the book, The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read, offers some of her best advice on how to improve every relationship in your life for free in a new feature for Stylist.

According to Perry, love at first sight is a "red flag," because "what you fall for is a fantasy of the other person," she maintains. "So when you find out that they're flawed or that the instant connection you thought you had doesn't go quite as deep as it seemed, you cling on to something that's not real."

Being sad isn't a bad thing, according to Perry. "Feeling upset is a part of life. You're allowed to have negative thoughts," she says.

According to Perry, her most frequently asked question is "How do I find a perfect partner?" but she says there is no such thing. "We have so much choice these days, we worry someone better will come along. But the perfect partner is not out there. It's about finding someone in the right ballpark, and getting to know each other's idiosyncrasies."

Perry urges against people pleasing. "If you refer to yourself as a 'chronic people pleaser,' why don't you do something about it? We often find ourselves reluctant to be the bad guy, and we tend to think we have to have iron-clad excuses not to do something we don't want. But we can tell the truth. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy because you've got limited time on earth: don't spend it on someone else's to-do list, spend it on your own," she says. 

The best way to be content is to focus on yourself and not others. "The word 'should'. Our society has this board game of milestones to be reached by certain ages as if it's the only route to happiness. But maybe we need to find our own path more often," Perry says. 

Jealousy isn't always a bad thing, according to Perry. "It signals that they may have something you want, which can be helpful information," she says. 

Perry explains what blaming your parents for things actually means. "We grow up thinking that our parents are the most marvellous people in the world, so when we start to recognise that they're fallible human beings, we're always going to feel let down. But it's so much easier to criticise than to take responsibility for ourselves," she says. 

Feeling a "spark" is overrated, says Perry. "When people talk about looking for chemistry my heart sinks and I think 'oh God', because it's completely overrated. I married for chemistry the first-time round, but things like shared values and a similar sense of humour matter much more," she explains. 

Don't focus so much on trying to figure yourself out. "It's popular to look for a box to put our feelings in e.g 'I have so-and-so attachment style'. But these buzzwords become a part of our identity and it's closing down enquiry about how we get better," Perry says. 

It's okay to shift away from friendships. "We used to only chuck boyfriends, but now we can chuck everyone. Friendships are constantly shifting: we move from inner circle to outer circle and vice versa. But we should be regarding those friendship promotions and demotions as normal. It's completely natural for our circles to change as we do. We push people into different places and orders in our lives. It's a constant flow," Perry says.