The Secret Phrase to Start a Conversation With Anyone
A Stanford lecturer reveals the three-word phrase that will help you master the art of small talk.
One of the top secrets of some of the most successful people in the world? Being able to carry a conversation with almost anyone. And, according to one expert, starting a discussion with someone else, even a total stranger, is a whole lot easier than you would think. In fact, it all boils down to using three simple words.
"Small talk might seem trivial, but it can deliver big results," writes Matt Abrahams for CNBC. According to the Stanford lecturer, podcast host and communication expert, having a simple conversation is important for forging "new or deeper connections with others by allowing us to discover unexpected areas of common interest."
"It can enable us to establish or reinforce our personal reputations, giving us an opportunity to demonstrate warmth and empathy," he writes.
He reveals that his mother-in-law inspired him through her "manners and impressive interpersonal skills," and taught him the importance and power of three simple words.
"Her favorite phrase was 'Tell me more,' and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use," he reveals.
"Most members of my immediate family weren't so great at taking turns and actively listening during conversations. We all spoke at once without listening to each other. Whoever spoke loudest and longest was heard. The others weren't," he writes.
He called it "striking" that his mother-in-law had the ability to "willingly cede the floor, giving permission to the other person to speak by saying, 'Tell me more.' It seemed like such a generous, empathic act."
He goes on to explain that "Tell me more" is a "support response; it supports what the other person is saying." The opposite, a "shift" response," is a statement that shifts the conversation back to you.
He explains that it is important to avoid always shifting the conversation back to yourself, instead offering a support response so that you can emphasize with someone else.
"In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses — other people want to learn about us, and we don't want to come across as withdrawn or secretive," he writes. "So many people make the mistake of treating other people's stories as openings for them to talk about themselves. But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more."
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"The more you support what someone else is saying, rather than shifting the focus to your experience, the easier and more enjoyable small talk becomes," he says.
